The First One
by BLendgame
Summary: But the brilliant eyes of Kate Beckett have never been so full of emotion, and the chuckle that escapes her already trembling lips confirms his suspicion; he's the first man to break her this way.
1. Chapter 1

It's about the way she looks at him. The way she rests her head on her hands when she's tired. That little smile that pulls at her lips that she so desperately tries to hide every time he makes a joke. It's all those little things that he forgot to notice after a while. The things that he pays no attention to because he's gotten so used to seeing them every day. He took them for granted. He took her for granted. In his usual Rick Castle fashion he forgot to savour the moment as it passed- and in return, he missed out.

He sits quietly in his usual chair and watches her as she mulls over the case. Flipping each page and soaking up every detail with her teeth biting down on that lower lip. It takes everything he has not to reach out and touch her. Touch her arm, he cheek, her fingertips- anything. He feels a connection- a magnetic force that's drawing him to her, and with each passing moment his ability to resist it gets weaker.

"Stop staring, Castle. And close your mouth while you're at it."

Her words break his trance and his mind comes crashing back down to earth. Images of Kate Beckett plummet, but don not cease to exist; for the thought of her has not left him since the moment he first laid eyes on her.

"Dually noted, Detective."

The simple fact that he did not deny it makes her want to break out into a grin but she withholds it. She focuses on the photographs and paperwork in front of her to distract her from the fluttery feeling going on within her. She wants so desperately to feel him. To have him hold her, but she can't let her hearts desire overcome her minds intelligence. She knows all too well the damage a man like Richard Castle can do to a woman like herself. She knows because the damage has already been done.

She keeps her eyes fixated on her work, but her mind is a breeding ground for old memories, and kept promises. It's been four years, four Nikki Heat books, and hundreds of cases since she first felt his stare penetrating her skin, yet her heart still skips a nervous beat every time his hand brushes hers. The teenage girl inside Kate Beckett is begging to be let free. All she wants to do is throw down her pen and spill all the contents of her heart into Castles lap- but she doesn't. It won't mean anything now. Not anymore. This night, this moment in history sitting in the precinct with Castle by her side is the last one she'll get. Her last chance to cherish every second of that goofy smile, and she doesn't want too spoil it by being too honest.

"What time does your plain leave, tomorrow?" she asks casually.

"Early. Around 5:30am." He replies. She nods a silent acceptance to the fact that the man with whom her heart can't seem forget is leaving. He see's the pained expression on her face and watches as she desperately tries to compose herself, and when she looks up to meet his eye he knows. He knows that they were never just friends. He always knew, but not the way he does now.

He opens his mouth to say something, to console her but before he gets the chance she speaks.

"Have fun in Italy."

"Kate" he interjects. She holds up a shaky hand to stop him as she rises from her seat and collects her things. He stands to greet her, helping her slide into her jacket and standing there like a fool while she does it up. Her heart is beating like a drum within her chest, and when Castle brushes her shoulder with his thumb she feels as though she may explode.

"It'll only be a year." He says. He's trying so desperately to fix what's ever so clearly broken, but instead of helping the situation, he only sees her eyes falter once more as the most delicate smiles graces her face.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Castle. I'm not your mother." Her attempt to bring light to the situation only makes his heart ache more. Why can't she just say it? Tell him that she's hurting. Why does she have to cover everything up all the time?

She gingerly brushes her hand against his shoulder, bringing it up to rest upon his neck. Her fingers linger there for such a small moment that he almost misses it. She smiles at him once more, those pearly whites as beautiful as ever, yet he's never seen a smile so unauthentic in all the years he's known her. The she turns to leave with her heels clicking along behind her, and Castle finally looses the war that is raging inside of him- and he reaches out to stop her.

"Give me a reason not to go, Kate." He's not so much asking as he is begging, and he prays with all of his heart that she'll hear the desperation in his voice. Suddenly the books, the tours, and the debut of his novel in Rome are unimportant. His career seems extremely irrelevant to his life, because his_ life_ is what he's watching walk away.

What happens next is nothing short of unexpected- It's nothing short of amazing. With his hand still firmly holding her wrist she turns to look at him. She's standing so close that he can almost feel the friction their bodies are creating. She leans her forehead against his, hands circling his neck in the most delicate way, and he feels the heat so strongly he almost forgets to breathe.

As she stands there, their bodies touching in the most intimate way they have in almost four years, she feels it- that earth shattering sadness breaking through her already fractured exterior. With her heart breaking within her, she sees all those years of flirtatious banter and sword play coming to a screeching halt. Suddenly, she's no longer a player in their intricate game of possibilities, she's an outsider.

_It's over. This is it, Kate._ She thinks to herself. With everything bit of strength she has, she tries to keep herself from doing something irrational and stupid- but this time she slips, and the moment she allows her lips to meet his, she's lost.

It's soft and sweet and delicate and all the tension built up over these last four years suddenly seems to drip away. All the longing, desire, and passion they've worked together to create is gone in an instant; leaving them both wondering why they didn't do this sooner. But the release of all these things leaves in its wake a wave of confusion and hurt. Their lips touch, lying chaste upon each other, with only the glue of passion and hurt keeping them together. Neither one moves. Neither one breathes.

With seconds to spare before things turn sour, Kate pulls back. Castle watches her, as she stares back at him. Their eyes dancing a silent dance- a private screening of what is going on inside both of them. Kate; with a whirlwind of sadness and anger due to his departure and her inability to hold herself back, and Castle; questioning what to do next. In an instant everything has changed. The somewhat childlike relationship that they'd been maintaining has matured and suddenly they're dealing with something much more real; much more serious.

He's heard stories about her past boyfriends, but has heard nothing about anything meaningful. Nothing that says to him that she knows what it means to have her heart completely broken- she's only had it seriously damaged. But the brilliant eyes of Kate Beckett have never been so full of emotion, and the chuckle that escapes her already trembling lips confirms his suspicion; he's the first man to break her this way.

"Go to Rome, Castle. Have the time of your life." She touches her fingers to her lips as she turns to walk away. When she reaches the elevator, she turns back to look at him, and although he's at a distance, he can see the tears that had been threatening to fall all night make their debut. And as the doors close, somewhere in the back of his mind he hears her words as she spoke them that day all those years ago to Mike Royce;

"_I was in love with you."_


	2. Chapter 2

Her drive home was quiet, the lulling music coming from the radio station doing nothing to pick up her mood. The inside of her apartment is calm, the ever present emptiness much too thick, and the silence begins to eat at her. The suddenly too heavy burden of loneliness creeps into every crevice of her home; every fold of her heart. _Castle, Castle, Castle._ Castle is all she can think of, and the worst part is, she knew what she was getting herself into when she let herself get too close- too attached. Castle to her was more than just another crush. He was real; he was honest. He challenged her in ways other people never had. He climbed so deep into her soul that she began to feel safe. She began to trust the thought that he wasn't going to go anywhere- but he did. They always do.

So she throws herself into her case, blocking out any stray thoughts of the man who she so desperately longed for. Hair up, sweats on, she works. Works until she feels that familiar tingling sensation starting to take over her brain, whispering sweet nothings into her ear. _Kate_, it tells her. _You need to go to bed._ Her body may be tired, but her soul is exhausted. Worn out and beaten down from the events of the night, she climbs into her bed, flicks her TV on, and waits for sleep to take over. But it never does.

She tosses and turns, replaying every single event, every single word spoken and breath taken. Every flick of his eyes, and every touch of his hand seems to burn holes into her memory as searing reminders of everything that went wrong. She tries to convince herself that it's just his job- he isn't leaving on purpose_. _But deep down she can't shake the feeling that if he really cared- if she really meant anything to him, he would have tried harder. He would have made his move a long time ago, and he _definitely _wouldn't have let her kiss him.

It's 2:45am when her cell phone rings on the nightstand beside her.

Hands shaking, stomach churning, she reaches out to grab the device, keeping her eyes shut in the process to delay the rush of panic that she knows will flood over her the moment she sees his name. With a shaky breath in, she answers the call.

"Beckett." She answers, waiting nervously for the voice she knows so well.

"What happened?" comes Laine's voice. Kate lets out a breath of relief, as her nerves begin to subside. She doesn't even think about questioning where Laine got her information, and doesn't have the energy to grill her about calling so early in the morning. All she knows is that she needs a friend, and as usual, Laine's there for her.

"I don't know." Kate responds, and for the first time, Laine hears something in her best friends voice that she can't quite place.

"Here's what I think:" Laine begins, trying to be as gentle as possible. "I think you're both being stubborn. Clearly, you're both feelin' somethin', and whatever that somethin' is, is important enough for the both of you to be more than a little upset. So-"

"Both of us?" Kate interjects

"Don't think Castle doesn't tell me things," she says, pretending to be insulted. But the sarcasm behind her words is clearly evident, and Kate knows that it's just Laine being Laine.

"But he _doesn't_ tell you things." Kate reminds her.

"Yea, but he tells Esposito things… Which is basically the same."

Kate chuckles to herself, while Laine giggles on the other line and they sit for a comfortable silence. The moment is so pure and innocent that Kate almost forgets what they'd been talking about.

"I just don't know what to do, Laine." She breathes. It's a small statement, but it's a testimony to everything that she's feeling. A clue to how lost she really is- how new this whole ordeal is for her.

"Call him, Kate. Just tell him the truth."

x

If there were a word to describe the way he felt on the drive home from the precinct and for the hours following, it would be some sort of complicated blend of every emotion known to man kind. Was he angry? Yes. He was angry because he's finally broken into the interior of the woman he loves, yet he's too late. Is he upset? Yes. He's upset because he doesn't want to leave; not like this, not without her. _But is he happy?_ Yes. She kissed him. Kate Beckett opened up her heart enough to let someone else in for once, and she'd kissed him, proving everything he'd been dreaming about for the last four years to be completely possible.

He soon realizes that an empty house and a full mind are two very dangerous things when they come together. He feels something churning within him, some desire or urge that he can not yet decipher- but the deafening emptiness around him seems to urge it forwards; _Kate Beckett_.

Just her name sends tingles down his spine. He replays the moment over and over in his mind, the swift movement of her hands as they graze his neck, and the paralyzing sense of joy that ripped through him as she carefully placed her lips onto his. Then he feels it again; that thing growing steadily inside his heart, like a lost emotion just waiting to be found. He tries to concentrate on it, tries to find a section of calmness that allows him to dig deeper into his own heart- to have a battle with his own emotions.

Then is clicks; it's complete. He replays the moment once more, feeling each touch as strongly as ever, and he realizes how full he felt. How utterly and totally finished his whole life seemed. How with Kate on his arm, he could finally find the answers to the questions he'd been waiting years to discover. How ironic, he thinks to himself; all these years that he's spent with her, telling her about his search for his soul mate and the need for the belief in destiny, when in actuality, both of those things had been sitting there in front of him the whole time.

He knows what he has to do.

He overcame the first hurdle- winning her over. But what he didn't know is that he overcame that hurdle years ago. Whether she loved him or not was never the question. It was whether they could come to their senses long enough to realize it

Now they have.

It's 3:56am when his cell phone rings on the kitchen counter beside him.

* * *

Thank all of you so much for your lovely reviews. This story was originally supposed to be a oneshot, but the majority of you requested otherwise- so here is chapter 2!

Read, Enjoy, and Review!

Lots of love and blessings sent your way;

-O


	3. Chapter 3

Her name flashes across his screen and he immediately feels his insides begin to tingle the way they do every time she calls him. The only difference was that unlike every other time, she was calling on a personal level. No more dead bodies and murder scenes; tonight was their night. He could feel it in his bones. He picked up the phone.

"Castle" he greeted, praying that his nerves wouldn't be apparent in his voice. There was a pause before she spoke. He could hear her breathing.

"Hey, Castle. It's me." She said quietly. "It's Kate."

"I know who this is," he said with amusement. "Caller ID, remember?"

She chuckled on the other line; the sound sent ripples of joy through his body as they both sat in silence, listening to each others breathing and not wanting to say anything more. But there is a reason why she's calling him, and there is a reason why both of them are suddenly so lost for words. Things between them are different, and somehow, he knows that it's for the best. All that's left for him to do next is get her to admit it to herself, and get her to finally give in to the feelings he _knows_ have been haunting her- however hard that may be.

"Listen, Kate," he begins, but she cuts him off.

"We need to talk," she says, with urgency in her voice.

"I know…" he says "I was going to call you." There's a silence, as she weighs that statement in her mind, trying to decide whether to believe him or not. But she ultimately decides that the truthfulness of his words means so little when there's so much more going on. All she knows for sure is that she needs to see him; to talk to him- to be with him, and that's all that matters.

"Where are you?" she asks him. "I'll meet you."

X

Fifteen minutes pass, and she thinks that they just might be the longest fifteen minutes of her life. With every street corner and every red light, the feelings of excitement and anxiety increase, and her saddened heart beats irregularly with the thought of seeing him again. With one kiss, Kate Beckett found herself in a place she'd never been before. She wasn't sure if she liked it, yet wasn't sure if she didn't.

Everything she was feeling was so new to her- so foreign. The way her hands trembled, and her nose tingled; the way that her ears were burning hot, and her mind raced one hundred miles an hour- these were all things that Kate didn't know how to explain. All she knew-the only thing that made sense to her- was Castle.

She pulls up to his building, but can't bring herself to get out of the car. She looks up at the structure in front of her, and feels the fear that had been hiding inside her heart rise to the surface. Instead of being happy at the fact that he might just actually feel the same way, she begins to think of all the ways this could go wrong. _What if he didn't mean it? What if what I'm feeling is more than what he's feeling? What if he _actually_ leaves?_

Question after question rolls through her mind and she's so busy worrying that before she knows it, she's standing at his door. Shoulders back and hands trembling, she knocks. The next few moments are the scariest moments of her entire existence. Her mind goes blank, and her heart beat races in her ears. She clenches her fists and counts the moments as they pass, as if to take her mind off of what's actually happening. _One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Miss-_

The door opens. Her breath hitches in her throat. _This is it._

When he answers the door, the look on her face is enough to make him want to quit his job and stay with her in that moment forever. It's an expression of confusion, fear, and absolute adoration. The way she's looking at him melts his heart in ways that he couldn't explain, and when he ushers her inside, she feels as though her mind is going to explode.

It's been a good two minutes, and neither of them has said a word. She steps into the loft, hanging her jacket over the edge of the couch as she makes her way into his home. She isn't sure whether she should bring up the subject first, or if she should let Castle do it. But before she gets the chance to decide, something catches her eyes. She makes her way over to the book shelf and picks up the Russian Nesting doll she'd forgotten about so long ago. A smile pulls at the corners of her lips as the memory of that day washes over her.

From where he is standing, he can only see her back. But he sees the doll she's holding, and he knows that she's remembering. That was a really good day that they'd had together. It was one of those days where they were both on the top of their game, their flirtatious banter at an all time high. It's a memory that he cherishes- a memory that they both cherish.

"Kate," he says her name quietly, unsuccessfully attempting to soothe the emotional hurricane that has become Kate Beckett. She shakes her head and smiles a sad smile.

"I can't believe you still have this." She says, tracing her fingers along the delicate painted details.

"Of course I still have it." He assures her. "It's a fantastic way to waste time."

She laughs now, a small laugh; but a laugh nonetheless.

"Listen," he begins, but she cuts him off when she turns around and holds up her hand.

"I'm not here to make things weird between us, Castle." She places the doll gently back on the edge of the bookshelf, and folds her arms over her chest. "I just thought I should explain myself before you leave."

He smiles at her. "You don't have to explain anything. I understand."

"Oh you do, do you?" she asks, partially amused and partially annoyed. He nods, and takes a step towards her, watching her eyes dart everywhere in the room but at him.

"Look at me, Kate." She shakes her head once more and bites down hard on her bottom lip. He steps closer again, and this time, she takes a step back. Still to this day, hearing him call her by her first name is something that sends chills down her spine.

"Stop it, Rick." She whispers, as tears rim her eyes. "We can't be doing this. Not like this."

"Like what?" he asks her, although he knows exactly what she means. She blinks ferociously, wishing away the tears that taunt her and hoping that he can't see them. But he does. He see's everything that she does. He finds it beautiful.

"Because you have a plane to catch in an hour." Their eyes meet. "Like _that_, Castle."

And with that, she's lost. The realization that he's leaving- actually leaving- finally sets in and she feels her tough exterior begin to crack. She shakes her head, mentally cursing herself for acting like such a child. But when he reaches out and grabs hold of her hand, she feels herself lose control. All the emotions that had been building up inside of her explode from every pore of her body, and her tears finally make their grand entrance.

"Tell me what you want me to do." He's begging now, and the fact that she's crying is enough to make his heart ache in a way that it never had before. He doesn't care what he has to do, or how he has to do it- But if it'll make her happy; he'll do anything she asks.

She folds his words over in her mind. _What I want him to do? _She thinks to herself_ I don't want him to go. _But she doesn't have to say a word. He knows exactly what she's thinking. He gently pulls her towards him, still grasping her hand, and when she finally leans into him, he holds her tighter than he has every held anyone.

It's just a hug, a simple form of comfort shared between two people; but the way they share it that night is more than just a hug. It's a confession to how deeply the fulfill each other. The simplicity of it- the absolute innocence of it is a showcase of the brilliance of their relationship. The perfection of their pairing. The eternity in which they will share.

She holds onto him, drinking in his scent, greedily cherishing every second of their embrace. She doesn't want to let go, but even if she did, he wouldn't let her. He holds her snugly, caressing her lower back with his thumbs; calming her racing heartbeat.

"I booked a later flight." He whispers to her, not wanting to break the silence of the moment. He feels her nod into his shoulder.

"Let's get some sleep."

* * *

thank you once again for all your lovely reviews, and I'm sorry I took so long to get this chapter up. But it's hear now, so let me know what you think :)

love & blessings!

-O


	4. Chapter 4

She backs away from him, looking into his eyes as she removes her hand from his. She shakes her head and bites down hard on her lip. She shakes her hands out beside her, trying to rid them of their trembles; but it doesn't work. Her heart is pounding in her chest, and her stomach is in knots, anger rising in her throat.

She's being pulled in two different directions and she can't figure out which one to go with; which decision to make. On one hand, she can stay the night with Castle and let go of the desires she'd been feeling for years, finally allowing herself to be with him. Or, she can resist that urge and go home; closing the lid on the only relationship that she ever truly wanted, and letting go of everything her heart pines for.

For Kate, this isn't just a one night stand. If it happens, then it needs to keep happening; it needs to be real. It needs to be the both of them, in it together or not in it at all. She isn't looking for someone to "share the night" with; she's looking for someone to share everything with. Not just her body, but her heart.

"Kate-"

"I can't, Castle." She says. "I don't think you understand what is going on here."

Her voice is shrill, and he can tell that she's nearing the end of her rope. He'd been wondering when the real Beckett; the assertive and rule-loving Beckett would show herself. It was only a matter of time.

"You are _leaving the country_ for a _year_, in just a few hours. _Hours,_ Castle." Her brow is knit together in frustration, and she speaks to him slowly, the way you would when trying to get a toddler to understand addition.

"Yes, Beckett; I'm aware of that." Now he's losing his patience as well. "But we've been spending all this time discussing when we should be doing something, anything!"

"You think I don't want to?" she asks, throwing her arms up. Then he cuts her off.

"I'm not leaving forever, Kate. I'm coming back." His words are stern and thick, he says them with force as if to make a point that she doesn't have to doubt him. He won't break this promise.

She shakes her head in disbelief. "Time doesn't stand still for you, Rick. Once you leave, _I stay here_. I go back to the precinct, I go back to solving crimes, and I go back to my life; and that's already hard enough. What happened tonight, that's going to have to stay with me; I have to live with that-"

"And you think I don't?"

"I know that it won't be easy for you and I'm not questioning that; what I'm saying is that you'll be far away from here; you won't have it staring you in the face every day."

He closes his eyes and runs his hands over his neck in defeat. He understands where she's coming from, and he feels her frustration radiating from her defensive stance. He knows how hard it is to be so close to having something, but getting it yanked away at the last second. He wants more than anything to be able to give her that happy ending; give himself to her entirely. He wants to, but he can't. His position is compromising, and the looming presence of his departure gives them no advantage.

He doesn't know how to act.

She doesn't know how to feel.

He's about to open his mouth to speak when she holds up her hands, stopping him from talking. She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, tilting her head to the side and closing her eyes momentarily.

"Castle, I didn't come here to fight with you." She begins. "I came here because I needed to see you, and I needed to say goodbye."

"I don't want to say goodbye." He proclaims. She shakes her head and smiles a sad smile. She takes a step closer to him, and places a hand on his neck, smoothing down the stray hairs lingering there. She watches his face, taking in its features, taking in each wrinkle, line, and crease. She absorbs as much of him as she can, as she trails a finger over his lips. Then she meets his eyes.

"I'll be here." He whispers, placing a hand on her chest, on her heart. "Don't forget about me." A tiny smile escapes her mouth after his last words are spoken, as she looks down towards her feet. He tilts her head up, and his expression says it all.

Suddenly, she knows what he's saying to her; what he wants. He's telling her that he will go, and she accepts it. But He's also telling her that no matter where he goes, no matter where the wind blows him, she _has_ him. She has every part of him wrapped around a finger, and the only request he has is for her not to give up on him just yet. To trust in him and believe him when he tells her that his heart is with her; that he'll be back for her.

She doesn't speak, and she doesn't need to, because he understands, he knows what she's thinking. He always has. Every feeling, every thought, every doubt she has ever had has never been a secret; he always knew. By the way she would smile, or the way she would twirl the watch around her wrist, he could tell what was happening within her. He could sense every one of her senses, and feel every one of her feelings as if they were his own.

Kate Beckett and Richard Castle, Richard Castle and Kate Beckett; two people cut from the same cloth, woven from the same thread. She looks at him now and she knows that he understands, and she knows that he feels the same. He will go to Rome. He will do his work. He will have the time of his life. But he will not forget her. He will remain hers, and he will stay as in love with her as he is in this moment. Words need not be spoken, but she can tell by the look on his face that this is a promise he will keep.

She doesn't feel unsure.

She doesn't even feel scared.

The only thing she feels is certainty and faith in the man standing in front of her, because it's about the way he looks at her. The way he gets giddy when he's tired. That little smile that pulls at his lips that he so desperately tries to hide every time she shuts him up. It's all those little things that she has packed safely in her memory for rainy days. The things that she pays no attention to because she's gotten so used to seeing them every day; it's all the little things that he does without knowing he does them that changed her.

That made her love him.

And he's the first one.

* * *

I know that I made you wait a million years, and I'm sorry!

This chapter was tough to write; hellooooooooooooooooooooo writers block.

I hope this story was satisfactory enough, and I'm so grateful of all of your kind reviews and opinions.

STAY TUNED; there may be a part 2 of this story. 

Love & Blessings

O


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